Sunday, August 3, 2014

"What I Was Doing While You Were Breeding" (a Memoir) by Kristin Newman

   I SO wanted to hate Kristin Newman!

   On my fave show "Fashion Police," there is a segment called "Bitch Stole My Look!," featuring two celebs caught wearing the same outfit, and the hosts dish on who wore it better. In Kristin Newman's case, I'm calling the segment "Bitch Stole My Life!," or at least the life I wish I had. Newman makes her living as a TV comedy writer, most notably for the wildly popular shows "How I Met Your Mother" and "That '70s Show," and makes a buttload of money doing it. I am also a writer -- of two twenty-something-selling books (aka not wildly popular) and three blogs I write for free that barely get noticed -- that scrapes by financially at a day-job in a salon. (If you are one of the few that do actually read my blogs: thank you, thank you, thank you!) With her buttload of money, Newman travels all over the world having fabulous adventures while on hiatus from writing. I, on the other hand, am a self-proclaimed adventurista (I have a blog to prove it!) whose only venture outside the USofA was twenty-some years ago to the Bahamas and whose most recent adventure was to Nashville (not so fabulous). And now it seems Newman is on the verge of being a best-selling author with this memoir and make even more money to fund even more exotic excursions while I sit home and write this free blog. In the battle of "Bitch Stole My Life," Newman wins big time, hence why I wanted to hate her.
   But I couldn't! She is too damn hilarious and fun and self-deprecating and crazy enough to try anything. Instead, I wanted to be her bestie, to be right by her side and "do the thing you're supposed to do in the place you're supposed to do it," her number one rule of adventuring. Except I'd have to draw the line at being by her side during the number one thing she does during her travels: having sex with foreigners. Bestie or not, three is a crowd in the bedroom (and on a boat, in a hammock, and on a kitchen counter -- just a few of the places Newman had international sex-capades).
   Love, love, love this book! Besides being one hell of a hootie read, this memoir is packed with bonus educational tidbits: fun things to see and do from Iceland to Antarctica (or close); how to pick up hot dudes when you don't speak the language; tips for writers on turning painful personal experiences into marketable material; and the basic rules for being a good traveler and travel companion. I do dig getting a two-fer! And Kristin, I have memorized and agree to abide by your road-tripping rules, so the next time you whip out your passport for adventures abroad, give me a call. Then we can write a buddy book or TV series about our time together, and I can get started on the life I wish I had!