Saturday, June 14, 2014

"Screw Everyone: Sleeping My Way To Monogamy" by Ophira Eisenberg

   Screw everyone, something I've said in my head many times, being a rebel at heart, but have never actually done. Guess I am more chicken than rebel when it comes to my genitals and STDs. Not Ophira Eisenberg though. In what started out as an experiment to "get rid of her virginity" as soon as she could, Eisenberg recounts schtupping her way across Canada and New York City in the hilarious book "Screw Everyone: Sleeping My Way To Monogamy."
   For you more modest readers, rest assured the title is more graphic than the coital contents inside. This is not porn disguised as a memoir. But it is a raucous romp through Eisenberg's revolving door of roommates, wacky jobs between comedy gigs, home-away-from-home dive bars, and sex-capades as she tries NOT to find "the one." She is a trooper, too, going back for more after her first sexual encounter with a "Top Gun" Goose-lookalike on a bathroom counter she recalls as being "two minutes long and kind of annoying." (I would have gotten rid of my virginity in a flash had a Maverick-lookalike come along for me! When "Top Gun" came out I saw it in the theater at least ten times and left titillated and moist every time!!) Then after her three-chord guitar strumming boyfriend who was hot in bed but had an even hotter temper, Eisenberg meets Michael, the one she thinks might be "the one" even though she doesn't want one. Turns out he is the one who can't accept her tryst with a Brit while she spent a year down under and he waited for her faithfully. Boo-hoo and bye-bye Michael. If you feel like a slut anyway, might as well be the biggest, best slut you can, right?!
   So Eisenberg really ramps up her sex-as-an-escape life post-Michael, having Canadian encounters Mickey (aka Mr. Anal Beads); Gene, with the smallest penis ever (he told her so himself); and Roger, the nice guy she nearly moved in with but fled to NYC instead. In the Big Apple, Eisenberg hopes to find a better quality of men under the tutelage of the clickety-clack gals, so named for the sound their heels made on the pavement. Even with their advice on how to handle New York men that are demanding and fickle and the necessity of being Brazilian waxed -- which for the half-Israeli Eisenberg lasts about 40 minutes -- the sexual pickings Ophira finds are even worse than in Canada. Take, for instance, the on-again off-again coke guy with the on-again off-again girlfriend, er, wife; the Dark Pony bar back with the best pot EVER that nearly got Ophira arrested and killed in her sleep by his psycho bitch waitress girlfriend; and Mr. "Thanks for the blow job but don't expect anything in return." Who wouldn't give up after those guys??
   Not Eisenberg. She keeps sleeping on and eventually meets "Bright Eyes," whom she thinks she might actually like. Only he won't go out with her because a) he can't date a girl that a friend of his already went out with (even though Ophira only went out with his friend by mistake as she thought the dude texting her for a date WAS Bright Eyes), and b) he isn't into actresses. "Um, I'm a comedian, not an actress," she finally convinces him, and he gives in to try a date. After spending most of her time and energy on sex-perimenting, morphing to a long-term relationship doesn't come easy for Eisenberg, but it sure is funny reading about her getting there. As you might have guessed from the title, there is a happy ending, but I'll let you find out for yourself.
   Read "Screw Everyone" while lazing by the pool this summer, and I bet you will meet someone new who stops to ask what you're laughing out loud about!